F*** My Life

Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living.

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. When the police officer approached me and asked for license and registration, I accidentally gave him my fake I.D. FML

Today, I went into my older brother's room to get a condom. This happened the other day too when my boyfriend forgot one. So I went in there today and there was a note that said "Little Sister, stop using my condoms. And your boyfriend sounds like a girl when he climaxes." FML

Today, I drove into my school. Literally drove into my school. FML

Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML

Today, one of the psych patients I work with on a locked unit looked into my eyes and told me lovingly that I reminded him of his sister. The sister he killed after he raped her. FML

Today, I had dinner with the girl I thought I would end up marrying. Everything was going well and after I had payed the bill, she said she was a lesbian. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, she challenged me to see who could hook up with a straight girl first. I lost. FML

Today, a co-worker mistakenly took a drink from my cup. I told her that she just drank dihydrogen monoxide (H2O), a colorless chemical that can be fatal if breathed in. She started crying before I could explain that it was just water. She then called ME retarded and punched me in the balls. FML

Today, my mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I'll kill you and the baby." FML

Today, I was swimming in the ocean, not too far off shore. I had asked my mom to come in, but she was afraid of the water because fish had nipped at her toes or something back in the day. I told her there was nothing to fear. I ended up getting stung in the balls by a Jelly fish. FML

Today, I jokingly asked my boyfriend of one year - "why is someone as smart, funny and as handsome as you with someone like me?" he replied - "opposites attract." FML

Today, I drove my girlfriend home around 11 to her garage where we start to have sex. When she comes to climax she slips and hits her head. Her parents heard the crash and came down, we were both still naked and she was unconscious. FML

Today, while watching TV, I danced, sang along, and helped Dora the Explorer get to her Grandmother's house. It was the most fun I've had all year. I'm 21. FML

Today, I took my 4-year-old daughter to the local pool for swim lessons. As we walked onto the deck she turned to me and said "Mom, that lady has really big boobs!" The whole pool heard, even the man my daughter was referring to. FML

Today, I graduated from college and my parents gave me an apple. Not the computer, the fruit. FML

TheNightsEnd wrote:

Today, I graduated from college and my parents gave me an apple. Not the computer, the fruit. FML

Today, my football club gave us all jerseys with our last names on them. My last name is 'Flicker'. The letters are all in uppercase. And the 'L' and the 'I' are joined together at the bottom. My jersey reads 'FUCKER'. FML

Today, whilst my parents and I were out, my older brother thought it would be funny to play porn on my computer. At full volume. With my window wide open. Now my next-door neighbors tell their kids I'm a spawn of Satan, and the weird guy from across the street winks at me. FML

Today, was my wedding night. We had decided to wait until marriage to have sex. When I undressed and smiled at my new wife, she burst into tears and cried, "please don't make me do this." FML

Today, I thought it would be funny to bother my friend Emily. I kept punching her. She asked if I wanted to fight. I agreed because she's a 15 years old skinny girl and I'm 17 years old buff guy. She beat the crap out of me until I cried. FML

Today, my girlfriend's dad asked me if I wanted to drive his 2008 Jaguar XKR. Excitedly, I agreed. He then spent the next hour discussing with me how masturbation is a great alternative to sex, and a great way to remain abstinent. I didn't get to drive. FML

Today, I got back from a service trip to Kenya, where I had no running water or electricity. I encouraged my friends to go green and help raise awareness by conserving as much electricity as possible. I return home to find that all my lights have been on for 2 weeks. FML

Today, none of my 500 Facebook friends responded to my status about "who wants to hang out during summer holidays?" I proceeded to create an imaginary person on a different account to respond and ask me to hang out with him. I had a conversation on my status, with myself. FML

Today, I went to my best friend's birthday party. After about 15 minuites I notice a girl, possibly one of his sisters friends, wearing the same shirt as me. I am a 23 year old bloke. She didn't look a day over 14. FML

Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death" (my dildo). FML