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F*** My Life

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F*** My Life

Post by VampiricPadraig on Sun Mar 01, 2009 2:33 am

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You can only post stories from F*** My Life.com

LINKY!!!

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That is all
--------------------------------------------

Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living.

Comment Please


Last edited by VampiricPadraig on Wed Mar 04, 2009 2:59 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Thu May 07, 2009 10:40 am

[uote]Today, I looked down to see a tiny spider crawling on the inside of my leg, very close to my crotch. When I tried to brush it off, it only flew a couple inches because it was making a web between my legs. Even a spider knew that it's been awhile. FML[/quote]

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Thu May 07, 2009 10:49 am

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. When the police officer approached me and asked for license and registration, I accidentally gave him my fake I.D. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Thu May 07, 2009 11:42 am

Today, I went into my older brother's room to get a condom. This happened the other day too when my boyfriend forgot one. So I went in there today and there was a note that said "Little Sister, stop using my condoms. And your boyfriend sounds like a girl when he climaxes." FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Thu May 07, 2009 11:44 am

Today, I drove into my school. Literally drove into my school. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Fri May 08, 2009 5:12 pm

Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Sat May 09, 2009 5:18 am

Today, one of the psych patients I work with on a locked unit looked into my eyes and told me lovingly that I reminded him of his sister. The sister he killed after he raped her. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Sat May 09, 2009 5:28 am

Today, I had dinner with the girl I thought I would end up marrying. Everything was going well and after I had payed the bill, she said she was a lesbian. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, she challenged me to see who could hook up with a straight girl first. I lost. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Sat May 09, 2009 5:31 am

Today, a co-worker mistakenly took a drink from my cup. I told her that she just drank dihydrogen monoxide (H2O), a colorless chemical that can be fatal if breathed in. She started crying before I could explain that it was just water. She then called ME retarded and punched me in the balls. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Sat May 09, 2009 8:24 am

Today, my mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I'll kill you and the baby." FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Sat May 09, 2009 8:30 am

Today, I was swimming in the ocean, not too far off shore. I had asked my mom to come in, but she was afraid of the water because fish had nipped at her toes or something back in the day. I told her there was nothing to fear. I ended up getting stung in the balls by a Jelly fish. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Sat May 09, 2009 8:33 am

Today, I jokingly asked my boyfriend of one year - "why is someone as smart, funny and as handsome as you with someone like me?" he replied - "opposites attract." FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Sat May 09, 2009 8:37 am

Today, I drove my girlfriend home around 11 to her garage where we start to have sex. When she comes to climax she slips and hits her head. Her parents heard the crash and came down, we were both still naked and she was unconscious. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Sun May 10, 2009 2:05 pm

Today, while watching TV, I danced, sang along, and helped Dora the Explorer get to her Grandmother's house. It was the most fun I've had all year. I'm 21. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Sun May 10, 2009 2:15 pm

Today, I took my 4-year-old daughter to the local pool for swim lessons. As we walked onto the deck she turned to me and said "Mom, that lady has really big boobs!" The whole pool heard, even the man my daughter was referring to. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Wed May 13, 2009 3:28 pm

Today, I graduated from college and my parents gave me an apple. Not the computer, the fruit. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by VampiricPadraig on Wed May 13, 2009 3:31 pm

TheNightsEnd wrote:
Today, I graduated from college and my parents gave me an apple. Not the computer, the fruit. FML

Rippin' lol

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Thu May 14, 2009 11:18 am

Today, my football club gave us all jerseys with our last names on them. My last name is 'Flicker'. The letters are all in uppercase. And the 'L' and the 'I' are joined together at the bottom. My jersey reads 'FUCKER'. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Thu May 14, 2009 11:38 am

Today, whilst my parents and I were out, my older brother thought it would be funny to play porn on my computer. At full volume. With my window wide open. Now my next-door neighbors tell their kids I'm a spawn of Satan, and the weird guy from across the street winks at me. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by VampiricPadraig on Sat May 23, 2009 7:27 am

Today, was my wedding night. We had decided to wait until marriage to have sex. When I undressed and smiled at my new wife, she burst into tears and cried, "please don't make me do this." FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Sun May 24, 2009 1:53 pm

Today, I thought it would be funny to bother my friend Emily. I kept punching her. She asked if I wanted to fight. I agreed because she's a 15 years old skinny girl and I'm 17 years old buff guy. She beat the crap out of me until I cried. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Sun May 24, 2009 1:54 pm

Today, my girlfriend's dad asked me if I wanted to drive his 2008 Jaguar XKR. Excitedly, I agreed. He then spent the next hour discussing with me how masturbation is a great alternative to sex, and a great way to remain abstinent. I didn't get to drive. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Sun May 24, 2009 1:54 pm

Today, I got back from a service trip to Kenya, where I had no running water or electricity. I encouraged my friends to go green and help raise awareness by conserving as much electricity as possible. I return home to find that all my lights have been on for 2 weeks. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Sun May 24, 2009 1:54 pm

Today, none of my 500 Facebook friends responded to my status about "who wants to hang out during summer holidays?" I proceeded to create an imaginary person on a different account to respond and ask me to hang out with him. I had a conversation on my status, with myself. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Sun May 24, 2009 2:00 pm

Today, I went to my best friend's birthday party. After about 15 minuites I notice a girl, possibly one of his sisters friends, wearing the same shirt as me. I am a 23 year old bloke. She didn't look a day over 14. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Sun May 24, 2009 2:13 pm

Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death" (my dildo). FML

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