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F*** My Life

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F*** My Life

Post by VampiricPadraig on Sun Mar 01, 2009 2:33 am

First topic message reminder :

You can only post stories from F*** My Life.com

LINKY!!!

You must use the "[quote]" tag when posting

That is all
--------------------------------------------

Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living.

Comment Please


Last edited by VampiricPadraig on Wed Mar 04, 2009 2:59 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Mon Mar 23, 2009 4:20 pm

Today, I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sex today. His response was "Can't, Platinum just came out." I didn't know what that meant so I searched "Platinum 3-22-2009" on Google. I found out he's talking about a new Pokemon game. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Mon Mar 23, 2009 4:22 pm

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he said he needed to be with someone smart so that he could impress his parents. I just got accepted into medical school. When I pointed that out to him, he added that he needed to be with someone attractive. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Mon Mar 23, 2009 4:23 pm

Today, I was eating with my boyfriend and his family at a high-end restaurant when, suddenly, I screamed, thinking a dog had just bitten my leg. I am terrified of dogs. I kicked my under-the-table assailant as hard as I could. It was my boyfriend's adorable five-year-old sister. FML

thats terrible, hardly even funny

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Mon Mar 23, 2009 4:26 pm

Today, I was cutting a bagel, only to slice the back of my hand with the knife. As I grabbed paper towels to clean up the blood, I noticed that the bagel was pre-sliced. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Mon Mar 23, 2009 4:28 pm

Today, me and my boyfriend were about to have sex. Just as things were heating up, my closet door flew open and my little brother ran out screaming, "Mom, they're doing it, come quick!" My mom paid my 9 year old brother to spy on me. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Mon Mar 23, 2009 4:31 pm

Today, I was with my grandma waiting in a line. She only speaks Chinese and there was a black man in front of us talking his phone. My grandma tells me that the black man's really loud and annoying. The man finishes and turns and said fluently in Chinese, "What's wrong with loud black men?" FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Mon Mar 23, 2009 4:36 pm

Today, I was pushing my 4 year old on the swing. I did what we call our "under doggie push": I throw her up in the air while I run underneath her before she hits me coming back down. I walked away to get my water and she yelled across the park "Can we do it doggie-style again?" FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Mon Mar 23, 2009 4:38 pm

Today, after being in the hospital for 2 days with no visitors, I got my first phone call. It was my best friend asking if he could date my ex girlfriend. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by VampiricPadraig on Mon Mar 23, 2009 4:49 pm

TheNightsEnd wrote:
Today, I was cutting a bagel, only to slice the back of my hand with the knife. As I grabbed paper towels to clean up the blood, I noticed that the bagel was pre-sliced. FML
Must be a blonde girl

TheNightsEnd wrote:
Today, me and my boyfriend were about to have sex. Just as things were heating up, my closet door flew open and my little brother ran out screaming, "Mom, they're doing it, come quick!" My mom paid my 9 year old brother to spy on me. FML

Heard that before...realli funni

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Tue Apr 07, 2009 5:01 pm

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because apparently I need to "grow up". He is the one who plays excesive Call of Duty and still has Pokemon and Bionicles in his room. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by VampiricPadraig on Wed Apr 08, 2009 4:05 am

Today, I took my 9-year-old daughter to my work because it was Take Your Child to Work Day. I'm a security guard and I have to watch the cameras that monitor the mall. The camera in the stairway showed a guy alone so I told her pay attention. He was masturbating. My daughter saw the whole thing. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by VampiricPadraig on Mon May 04, 2009 1:48 pm



Today, a 7 year old girl randomly came up to me and told me to fuck myself. I told her to watch her language or else I'd tell her parents. Her mom happened to be nearby and actually heard this conversation, she came up to me and told me to fuck myself as well. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by VampiricPadraig on Mon May 04, 2009 1:55 pm

Today, I was talking to my boss about her children. She told me she didn’t want them to develop any problems by letting them sleep with the light on. I didn’t tell her last night I slept with the light on because I’m scared of ghosts. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Tue May 05, 2009 1:37 pm

Today, I overheard my mother and sister talking so I stopped to eavesdrop. I recently enlisted in the Marines, and they were talking about what they would do with the money if I died. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Tue May 05, 2009 1:40 pm

Today, I was insulted online by a teenager who said that I was probably a fat loser that still lives with their mother and a couple of cats. They were right. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Tue May 05, 2009 1:41 pm

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. We got on the discussion of animals, and I showed them a picture of my cat on my phone. Being a touchscreen, when her father grabbed it, it changed picture. To a picture of my girlfriend, fully nude. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Tue May 05, 2009 1:46 pm

Today, I was walking out of the train station when an old man grabbed me. I started screaming, yelling, "HELP" like a madwoman and tried pushing him away - that's when I saw the golf cart rush past me. He was trying to push me aside from getting run over. Everyone started laughing. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Tue May 05, 2009 1:51 pm

Today, I had my first real meeting with my girlfriend's parents. We had dinner at a pretty upscale restaurant and everything was going great. When the check came, I offered to pay and I stood up to take out my wallet. When I opened it, 3 condoms fell out on the table in front of them. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Tue May 05, 2009 1:52 pm

Today, I went downtown to pay my speeding ticket. After standing in line and arguing with a rude woman behind the desk, I get back to my car only to find an expired meter and a parking ticket. I got a ticket while paying my ticket. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Wed May 06, 2009 2:19 pm

Today, I pissed my younger brother off. Seemingly unrelated to this was the fact that I left my laptop on in my room along with MSN signed into my email adress. Now, all my contacts know that I apparently "just love the warm feeling of semen sliding down my throat". FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Wed May 06, 2009 2:25 pm

Today, I found a box of birthday candles sitting on the coffee table. Bored, I lit one, and after a minute I threw it away and sat back down on the couch. I started looking at the box and noticed that it said "Magic Re-Lighting Candles" at the exact moment that my trash can burst into flames. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Wed May 06, 2009 2:34 pm

Today, I was writing an email to our entire company regarding a fundraiser we are taking part in for children and adults with disabilities. I was rushing to get the email out and hit send before I realized that instead of "Best Regards" I had typed "Best Retards" as the closing line. FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Wed May 06, 2009 2:36 pm

Today, I asked the girl I like if she wanted to go to the movies, she said yes and I said I'd let her pick the movie. She picked the movie, "Just Friends". FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Wed May 06, 2009 2:46 pm

Today, I told my boyfriend that I don't like his facial hair and that he should shave it off. He replied, "You first." FML

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Re: F*** My Life

Post by TheNightsEnd on Wed May 06, 2009 3:00 pm

Today, I was doing a fitness test. Though clumsy, I managed to spin around a bat then dash across a balance beam, run through some tires, and walk across a log floating in water. Pleased with my performance, I walked to the bathroom, tripped on my shoelace, and busted my head on the floor. FML

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