F*** My Life

Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living.

Today, I was typing up a love letter on my computer. A sexual love letter. I was in a classroom, I'm the teacher, I'm gay, and my love letter showed up on the tv screen while my 7th grade students were taking a test. It was up on the screen for 15 minutes. FML

Today, my mom came to me and asked if I had drank her wine. I'm 16, so I lied and said "no". The next morning there was a DVD on my bed labeled "pool house security cameras- love mom." It was a video of me downing two bottles of red wine and having %*# with my boyfriend. FML

Today, I went to my friends house when his parents were out to smoke weed. 45 minutes into smoking, his parents called to say they'd be home 5 minutes. We sprayed the house with Lysol and Frebreeze to mask the smell. We were high and in a rush; it was bug spray and shaving cream. FML

Today, my family and I were at a restaurant. We're Swedish and love talking about people in our language because no one ever understands here. I decided to comment about how ugly the girl at the next table was. She turned around and goes "Dra åt helvete." That's Swedish for "Go to hell." FML

Today, I left a party after drinking, and was soon pulled over. I frantically grabbed my mouthwash I keep for emergency situations to cover up the alcohol smell on my breath. I was given the breathalyzer almost immediately. I blew a 2.37. Apparently, alcohol is the main ingredient of Listerine. FML

Today, I was bored and decided it would be fun to pretend to be an undercover cop and pull over other cars. The first car I pulled over was a real undercover cop. FML

Today, my mom had my girlfriend and I over. Out of the blue, she pulled out my grandmothers wedding ring and gave it to me saying I can now propose. My girlfriend started screaming and said yes. I have been seeing someone else for 3 months and was going to break up with my girlfriend tomorrow. FML

Today, I had to run to catch my train, so I didn't get the chance to buy a ticket. When the conductor was in sight, I saw he was a young man and I opened my top a little, in hopes of not having to pay a fine. When I told him I didn't buy a ticket he said: "Close your top, I'm gay". FML

Today, I got stuck in an elevator for 2 hours with my boyfriend and the guy that I have been secretly having %*# with for 6 months. FML

Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over a year is actually a very bored 14 year old boy. FML

Today, I dropped my keys. Not wanting to lean over and pick them up, I pointed at them and said "Accio." Then I realized I had tried to use a Harry Potter spell in real life and in public. FML

Today, I was going to have %*# with my hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was "pollo frito". I then proceeded to have %*#, constantly screaming pollo frito for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML

Today, I saw a spider in my bathtub, so instead of killing it, i decided to bring my dog inside the bathroom to kill the spider for me. Turns out that the spider was a black widow, and my dog was bit. The dog killed the spider. The spider killed my dog. FML

Today, I was pulled over by my father who is a police officer. He was training a rookie and gave me a breathalyzer test to show his trainee how to do it. I blew a .15 and was taken to jail. FML

Today, I was trying to register for a porn site. I secretly took my father's credit card, but all I got back was a "this credit card is already in use." FML

Today, I finally had my tongue piercing heal up so I decided to try oral on my girl. Unfortunately, she has a hood piercing that got caught on my tongue ring, and neither of us could get them apart. We had to call my mom in to solve the problem. FML

Today,I was driving,I got pulled over,the cop said"License?"I pulled out my toy credit car,I was playing with my toy cop and my toy car.Im 17 yrs old playing with two year old toys.The next day,I was driving a real car,I got pulled over,and gave the cop my fake credit card,and drove away,then I went to jail for 2 days.

Today, I did some math. Relaxing bubble bath soap:$17.00. Enough water to fill a bathtub: $10. Favorite tea: $4. Organic candle: $8. Looking out the window to see your 70+ year old male neighbor taking pictures of you lowering yourself into your bath: priceless. FML

I cried for 20 mintues when I stubbed my toe ,but the next day, we celebrated my 23 birthday by going to chucy cheese.Then I cried after my cake fell down.

Today, I was trying to flirt with the guy I like using body language, so I leaned over this counter in a sensual way. I happened to have a fork so i went to bite the tip that sexy way people do in movies. I accidently stabbed myself in the lip, cutting my lip. My lunch had jalepenos in it. FML

Today, I bent down to pick up a quarter and ripped my $200 jeans. FML

TheNightsEnd wrote:

Today, I bent down to pick up a quarter and ripped my $200 jeans. FML

Today, I got an "Enlarge your penis" email for the millionth time. I was about to dismiss it when I saw the FW: from my wife. FML

Today, my boyfriend and parents went out to dinner. As we started the meal, my boyfriend proposed and the restaurant burst into applause. My mother said without hesitation and a large scowl, "If you say yes, I'm leaving." FML